(Man) 'Whenever l get gloomy with the state of the world,
'l think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport.
'General opinion makes out that we live in a world of hatred and greed
'but l don't see that.
'Seems to me that love is everywhere.
'Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy but it's always there.
'Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives,
'boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.
'When the planes hit the Twin Towers,
'none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge,
'they were all messages of love.
'lf you look for it, l've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.'
¤ l feel it in my fingers
¤ l feel it in my toes
¤ Feel it in my toes, yeah
¤ Love is all around me And so the... ¤
- (Feedback) - l'm afraid you did it again, Bill.
(Sighs) lt's just l know the old version so well, you know.
Well, we all do.
That's why we're making the new version.
Right, OK, let's go.
(¤ lntro begins)
¤ l feel it in my fingers ¤ ln my fingers
¤ l feel it in my toes
¤ Feel it in my toes, yeah
¤ Love is all ar... ¤
Oh, fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arsehead and hole.
Start again.
(¤ lntro begins)
¤ l feel it in my fingers ¤ ln my fingers
¤ l feel it in my toes
¤ Feel it in my toes, yeah
¤ Christmas is all around me ¤ All around me
¤ And so the feeling grows
¤ So the feeling grows
¤ lt's written in the wind ¤ ln the wind
¤ lt's everywhere l go
¤ Everywhere l go
¤ So if you really love Christmas ¤ Love Christmas
¤ Come on and let it snow
¤ Come on and let it... ¤
This is shit, isn't it?
Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
- God, l'm so late. - lt's just round the corner, you'll make it.
You sure you don't mind me going without you?
No, really. l'm just feeling so rotten.
- l love you. - l know.
l love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.
l know. Now, go or you will actually miss it.
Right.
- Did l mention that l love you? - Yes, you did. Get out, loser.
Karen, it's me again.
l'm sorry, l literally don't have anybody else to talk to.
Absolutely. Horrible moment, though. Can l call you back?
Of course.
Doesn't mean l'm not terribly concerned that your wife just died.
Understood.
Er, bugger off, call me later.
So what's this big news?
We've been given our parts in the nativity play
and l'm the lobster.
- The lobster? - Yeah.
- ln the nativity play? - Yeah. First Lobster.
There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Duh.
Best sandwiches in Britain.
Try my lovely nuts?
Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady.
Morning, my future wife.
(Man) OK, you can stop there. Thanks.
(2nd man) l need a couple of orange gels.
By the way, he introduced me as John but everyone calls me Jack.
Oh, fine. Nice to meet you, Jack.
He got me right, though. l'm just Judy.
Great, Just Judy!
- No surprises? - No surprises.
- Not like the stag night? - Unlike the stag night.
- You admit the prostitutes were a mistake? - l do.
And it would've been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?
That is true.
Good luck, kiddo.
(Cheering, applause)
(Press shouting) Prime Minister, over here!
(Cheering)
Thank you.
- Welcome, Prime Minister. - Woh! l must work on my wave.
How are you?
- How are you feeling? - Erm...
Cool. Powerful.
Would you like to meet your household staff?
Yes, l would like that very much indeed.
Anything to put off actually running the country.
- This is Terence. He's in charge. - Morning, sir.
Good morning. l had an uncle called Terence.
Hated him, l think he was a pervert. But l very much like the look of you.
- This is Pat. - Hello, Pat.
Good morning, sir. l'm the housekeeper.
Oh, right. l should be easier than the last lot.
No nappies, no teenagers, no scary wife.
And this is Natalie. She's new, like you.
- Hello, Natalie. - Hello, David. l mean, sir.
Shit, l can't believe l've just said that.
And now l've gone and said ''shit''. Twice. l'm so sorry, sir.
You could've said ''fuck'' and we'd have been in real trouble.
Thank you, sir. l had a premonition l was gonna fuck up on my first day.
Oh, piss it!
Right, l'll get my things and then let's fix the country, shall we?
Yeah, l can't see why not.
- lt's all right. - Did you see what l did?
- Yes, l did. - l just went ''blurh''.
- Hello there. - l'm right over here.
Yeah, l'm in here. OK. Good. Thank you.
Ah.
(Clears throat)
Oh, no.
That is so inconvenient.
ln the presence of God, Peter and Juliet have given their consent
and made their marriage vows to each other.
They've declared their marriage by the giving of rings.
l therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.
(¤ Organ plays Wedding March)
And you resisted the temptation for surprises.
Yeah, l'm mature now.
(¤ Wedding March becomes La Marseillaise)
(Chorus) ¤ Love, love, love
¤ Love, love, love
- ¤ Love, love, love... ¤ - Did you do this?
Er, no.
¤ Love, love, love, love
¤ There's nothing you can do that can't be done ¤
Oh, it...
¤ There's nothing you can sing that can't be sung
¤ There's nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
¤ lt's easy
¤ All you need is love
¤ All you need is love, love
¤ Love is all you need... ¤
Look, it's Pikey.
Hello! What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, l just popped over to borrow some old CDs.
- The lady of the house let you in, did she? - Yeah.
- Lovely, obliging girl. - Yeah.
l thought l'd pop back and see if she's better. This is good.
- Oh. - Listen, erm, l've been thinking.
l think we ought to take Mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think?
- l just feel we've been bad sons this year. - Sounds fine. A bit boring but fine.
(Girlfriend) Hurry up, big boy!
l'm naked and l want you at least twice before Jamie gets home.
(Music and chatter)
(Juliet) l am so happy to see you!
- Delicious delicacy? - Er, no, thanks.
Taste explosion?
- Food? - No, thanks.
Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?
Looks like a dead baby's finger. Oooh.
Oh. Tastes like it, too.
l'm Colin, by the way.
- l'm Nancy. - Wicked.
- What do you do, Nancy? - l'm a cook.
- Ever do weddings? - Yes, l do.
- They should've asked you to do this one. - They did.
- God, l wish you hadn't have turned it down. - l didn't.
(Embarrassed giggle) Right.
- l've worked out why l can't find true love. - Why is that?
English girls. They're stuck up, you see.
And l am primarily attractive to girls who are cooler, game for a laugh.
Like American girls. So l should just go to America!
l'd get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?
l think it's crap, Colin.
That's where you're wrong.
American girls would dig me with my cute British accent.
- You don't have a cute British accent. - Yes, l do! l'm going to America.
Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arsehole. Accept it.
Never. l am Colin, God of Sex. l'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.
Bit of quiet while we finish the lighting, guys!
- The traffic today was just... - Unbelievable.
Judy, could you take the top off this time?
Lighting need to know when we're gonna see the, erm, nipples and when we're not.
Yes, OK. Right. At least it's nice and warm in here.
Not always the case, is it?
l was standing in for Brad Pitt once on Seven Years ln Tibet...
- Yes, yeah. - Bloody freezing...
Guys, time's tight and we have to get the actors in.
- Fine. - l promise l won't look.
(Judy laughs)
(Director) Right, let's have another look at that, please.
Can you just put your hands on her breasts?
- OK, yeah. ls that all right? - Yes.
l'll warm them up!
- And massage them, please. - Right.
lt's junction 13 that's just murder, isn't it? Total gridlock this morning.
Jo and l had a lot of time to prepare for this moment.
Some of her requests,
for instance, that l should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral,
l was confident she expected me to ignore.
But others she was pretty damn clear about.
When she first mentioned what's about to happen,
l said, ''Over my dead body.''
And she said, ''No, Daniel, over mine.''
And as usual, my darling girl...
and Sam's darling mum was right.
So she's going to say her final farewell to you not through me but,
inevitably,
ever so coolly,
through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.
(On speakers) ¤ Bye bye baby, baby goodbye
¤ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
¤ Bye bye baby
¤ Don't make me cry ¤ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
¤ You're the one girl in town l'd marry
¤ Girl l'd marry you now if l were free
¤ l wish it could be
¤ l could love you but why begin it?
¤ Cos there ain't any future in it
¤ She's got me but l'm not free so... ¤
(From DJ booth) ¤ Bye bye baby, baby goodbye
¤ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
¤ Bye bye baby, don't make me cry
¤ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
¤ Wish l never had known you... ¤
Do you love him?
Er, er, what?
No, l-l just thought l'd ask bluntly in case it was the right question
and you needed someone to talk to about it and no one had ever asked you.
No. No. No is the answer. Absolutely not.
¤ ..on my finger... ¤
So that's a no, then?
Yes. Erm...
¤ Bye bye baby, baby goodbye
¤ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye... ¤
This DJ, what do you reckon?
- The worst in history? - Probably.
l think it all hangs on the next song.
Now here's one for the lovers.
That's quite a few of you, l shouldn't be surprised and a half.
(¤ S Club Juniors: Puppy Love)
¤ And they called it... ¤
- He's done it, it's official. - Worst DJ in the world.
¤ Oh, l guess they'll never know... ¤
(Knocks)
Sarah's waiting for you.
Oh, yes, of course, erm...
Great, er, good, good.
How are you doing, Mia? Settling in fine? Learning who to avoid?
Absolutely.
- Harry? - Sarah,
switch off your phone and tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.
Two years, seven months,
three days and, l suppose, what, two hours?
And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
Um...
Two years, seven months, three days and, l suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.
Thought as much.
- Do you think everybody knows? - Yes.
- Do you think Karl knows? - Yes.
Oh, that is... that is bad news.
l just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.
- Like what? - lnvite him out for a drink
then casually mention you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
- You know that? - Yes.
And so does Karl.
Think about it, for all our sakes.
lt's Christmas.
Certainly. Excellent. Will do.
Thanks, boss.
- Hi, Sarah. - Hi, Karl.
(¤ On radio: Christmas ls All Around)
(Mobile)
Babe. Absolutely, fire away.
Mia, Mia, would you turn that down?
What is that?
That was the Christmas effort from the once great Billy Mack.
Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen.
l can safely say that is the worst record l've heard this century...
Oh, and coincidentally, l believe Billy will be a guest
on my friend Mike's show in a few minutes' time.
Welcome back, Bill.
Billy, welcome back to the airwaves.
New Christmas single, cover of Love ls All Around.
Except we've changed the word ''love'' to ''Christmas''.
Yes, is that an important message to you, Bill?
(Snorts) Not really, Mike.
Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.
- And that's not you? - That's not me, Michael.
When l was young and successful, l was greedy and foolish
and now l'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone.
- Wow. Thanks for that, Bill. - For what?
For actually giving a real answer to a question.
lt doesn't often happen here at Radio Watford, l can tell you.
- Ask me anything, l'll tell you the truth. - Best shag you ever had?
- Britney Spears. - Wow.
No, only kidding! (Snorts)
- She was rubbish. - OK, here's one.
How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Come on, Mikey, you know as well as l do the record's crap.
(Bill laughing)
But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas
wasn't some smug teenager
but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?
Those young popsters come Christmas will be stretched out naked
with a cute bird balancing on their balls
and l'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe,
ugliest man in the world,
fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off.
So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does,
buy my festering turd of a record.
And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness
of the moment we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
l think you're referring to
''lf you really love Christmas...''
''Come on and let it snow.'' Ouch.
So, here it is one more time,
the dark horse for this year's Christmas number one,
Christmas ls All Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news.
ls the new prime minister in trouble already?
¤ l feel it in my fingers l feel it in my toes ¤
- OK. What's next? - The President's visit.
Ah, yes, yes. l fear this is going to be a difficult one to play. Alex.
There's a strong feeling in the party we mustn't allow ourselves to be bullied
- like the last government. - (All) Here, here.
This is our first really important test, let's take a stand.
Right. Right. l understand that but l have decided...
not to. Not this time.
Let's not forget that America is the most powerful country in the world.
l'm not going to act like a petulant child.
Who do you have to screw round here to get a cup of tea and a biscuit?
Right.
(Knocking)
Yeah, come in.
- These are from the Treasury... - Uh-huh.
..and these are for you.
Excellent. Thanks a lot.
l was hoping you'd win, not that l wouldn't have been nice to the other bloke,
just always given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate.
Thanks very much. Thanks...
Natalie.
God, come on, get a grip. You're the Prime Minister, for God's sake.
So what do you reckon to our new prime minister?
Oh, l like him. l can't understand why he's not married, though.
You know the type, he's married to his job.
Either that or gay as a picnic basket.
Excuse me, Judy, if you could just lower the nipples
- and cheat them a bit to the left? - OK.
l have to say, Judy, this is a real pleasure,
it's lovely to find someone l can actually chat to.
- Thank you! - Oh, well, you know.
- And ditto. - Thank you.
The move again, please, Judy.
- Ooh, sorry. - Oh, God, sorry. You all right?
- Exciting news! - What?
l've bought a ticket to the States. l'm off in three weeks.
- No. - Yes!
- To a fantastic place called Wisconsin. - No!
Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin!
No, Col! There are a few babes in America, l grant you,
but they're going out with rich, attractive guys.
Tone, you're just jealous.
You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America
contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me
- than the whole of the United Kingdom. - That is total bollocks. You're mad.
No, l'm wise. Stateside l am Prince William without the weird family.
- No, Colin, no! - Yes!
- Nyet! - Da!
- Nein! - Ja, darling!
Right, the Christmas party, not my favourite night of the year
and your unhappy job to organise.
- Tell me. - lt's basic, really.
Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole
and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.
- Wives and family and stuff? - Yeah. l mean, not children.
But their wives and girlfriends, et cetera.
Oh, Christ, you haven't got some horrible six-foot, tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend?
No. l'll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
Really?
Right.
He now spends all the time in his room. l mean, he'll be up there now.
- That's not unusual. My horrid son... - Bernard?
Bernard. Stays in his room all the time. Thank goodness.
Yeah, but Karen, this is all the time.
l'm afraid that there's something really wrong, you know?
l mean, clearly it's about his mum
but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all l know.
(Karen) At the age of 1 1?
(Daniel) Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.
The problem is his mum always used to talk to him, you know, and...
l don't know, this whole stepfather thing seems suddenly to somehow matter
like it never did before.
Listen, it was always going to be a totally shit time.
Just be patient.
And maybe check the room for needles.
And then when he sometimes does come out, it's obvious he's been crying.
lt's just such a ridiculous waste.
And now if it's going to ruin Sam's life as well...
l just don't know.
Get a grip.
People hate sissies.
No one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Helpful.
So, what's the problem, Samuel?
ls it just Mum or is it something else, huh?
Maybe school?
Are you being bullied?
Or is it something worse?
Can you give me any clues at all?
- You really want to know? - l really want to know.
Even though you won't be able to help?
Even if that's the case, yeah.
OK. Well...
truth is, actually...
l'm in love.
Sorry?
l know l should be thinking about Mum and l am but l'm in love.
l was before she died and there's nothing l can do about it.
- Aren't you a bit young to be in love? - No.
Ah, well. OK, well...
l'm a little relieved.
- Why? - Because l...
thought it'd be something worse.
Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Er...
No, you're right.
Total agony.
- Night, Sarah. - Night, Karl.
(Mobile)
Yeah, absolutely.
Free as a bird. Fire away.
Alone again.
Naturally.
- l'll deal with it. - Mm.
- Ah. Natalie. - Sir.
Thanks.
Natalie.
Erm, l'm starting to feel...
uncomfortable about us working so closely every day
and me knowing so little about you, it seems elitist and wrong.
Well, there's not much to know.
Well, erm, where do you live, for instance?
Wandsworth. The dodgy end.
- Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth. - Oh.
So which exactly is the dodgy end?
At the end of the high street, Harris Street, near the Queen's Head.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that is dodgy. - Hm.
Erm, and you live with your husband? Boyfriend?
- Three illegitimate but charming children? - No.
l've just split up with my boyfriend, so l'm back with my mum and dad for a while.
- Ah. Sorry. - No, it's fine.
l'm well shot of him.
- He said l was getting fat. - l beg your pardon?
He said no one'd fancy a girl with thighs the size of tree trunks.
Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
No.
You know, erm...
being Prime Minister, l could just have him murdered.
Thank you, sir. l'll think about it.
Do. The SAS are absolutely charming.
Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away.
Oh, God.
Did you have this kind of problem?
Yeah, course you did, you saucy minx.
So, let's go. We can definitely crack this.
Remember, l was a kid once, too.
So, come on, it's someone at school. Right?
- Yeah. - Uh-huh. Good, good.
And what does she, he, feel about you?
SHE doesn't even know my name.
And even if she did, she'd despise me.
She's the coolest girl in school.
And everyone worships her because she's heaven.
Good. Good.
Well,
basically you're fucked, aren't you?
(¤ All l Want For Christmas ls You)
Hi there and welcome back.
So, three weeks till Christmas, looks like the real competition is gonna be Blue.
l saw them on the show last week. They weren't very nice about my record.
No. Little scamps.
But very, very talented musicians.
Yeah. l understand you've got a prize for our competition winners.
Yes, l have, Ant or Dec.
lt's a personalised felt-tip pen.
Oh, great.
lt's brilliant. lt even writes on glass,
so if you've got a framed picture, like, for instance, this one of Blue,
you can just write on it.
(Kids snickering)
(Dec) Er, a lot of kids watching, Billy. (Billy) Oh, yeah.
Hiya, kids.
Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill -
don't buy drugs.
Become a pop star and they give you them for free.
And l do believe it's a commercial break. We'll see you soon. Bye-bye.
¤ All l want for Christmas is you ¤
- Look at him! Eurh! - Just a minute.
Actually, they're not funny. They're art.
(Laughing)
OK, let's say, er, Thursday, my place.
Great. l've got Juliet on the other line, she wants to ask you a favour.
- (Sighing) OK, fine. - Thanks and, er, be nice.
- l'm always nice. - 'You know what l mean, Marky, be friendly.'
- l'm always... - (Juliet) 'Mark?'
Hi. How was the honeymoon?
lt was great. Thanks for the gorgeous sendoff.
- So, what can l do for you? - 'lt's only a tiny favour.'
l've just tried the wedding video and it's a disaster.
- 'lt's come out all blue and wibbly.' - l'm sorry.
l remember you filming a lot and l wondered if l could look at it.
To be honest, l didn't really...
Please. All l want is one shot of me in a wedding dress that isn't turquoise.
l'll have a look but l'm pretty sure l wiped it, so don't get any hopes up.
- 'Must go.' - (Click)
Any progress with our matchmaking plans?
No. l've done fuck-all and never will because he's too good for me.
How true.
- (Sarah) Stop. - (Mobile)
And of course, your mobile goes.
Hello. Hi. How you doing?
- So, how's the Christmas party going? - Good.
Think l've found a venue.
- What's it like? - Good. Good.
lt's an art gallery. Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.
Oh. Right.
Good. Well, l suppose l should take a look at it or something.
You should.
(Typewriter clacking)
(Bell tinkles)
Ah, bonjour, Eleonore.
Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett. Welcome back.
And this year you bring a lady guest?
No. There's a change of situation. Just me.
- Oh. Am l sad or not sad? - l think you're not surprised.
- And you stay here till Christmas? - Yeah, yeah.
Good. Well, l find you a perfect lady to clean the house.
This is Aurelia.
Ah.
- Er, bonjour, Aurelia. - Bonjour.
(French) Er, je suis, er, très heureux de vous avoir ici.
Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you.
She's Portuguese.
(ltalian) Ah, ah, buongiorno.
Eusebio, er, er...
(Pidgin Spanish) Er, molto bueno...
l think she's ten years too young to remember a footballer called Eusebio.
And ''molto bueno'' is Spanish.
Right.
Anyway, it's nice to meet you and...
Can you drive her home after her work?
Oh, absolutely, yes. Con-Con grande, er, pl-plesura.
Which is what? Turkish?
(Pidgin Portuguese) Bello.
Er, bella.
Er, mon-montagno,
arvarez...
No, right. Silence is golden.
As the Tremeloes said.
Clever guys,
although l think the original version was by Frankie Valli And The Four Seasons.
Gr-great band.
(¤ High-pitched humming: Silence ls Golden)
Oh, shut up.
(Cheering)
(Press) Mr President!
- Over here, sir! - What will you be talking about?
Mr President, welcome.
lt's a pleasure to meet you.
Come through. l'm sorry your wife couldn't make it.
So is she. Although she would have been kind of lonely.
Yes. Pathetic, isn't it?
Just never been able to tie a girl down.
Not sure that politics and dating go together.
Really? l've never found that.
Yeah, you're still sickeningly handsome, whereas l look like my Aunt Mildred.
- Very jealous of your plane, by the way. - Thank you. We love that thing.
Ah, Natalie. Hi.
Morning, ma'am. How's your day so far?
- (Natalie giggles) - Excellent.
(Sighs) My goodness, that's a pretty little son of a bitch.
Did you see those pipes?
Yeah, she's terrific. At her job.
No, absolutely not. We cannot and will not consult on that either.
That is unexpected.
Well, it shouldn't be.
The last administration made it perfectly clear.
We're being consistent with their policies.
With all respect, they were bad policies.
Thanks, Alex. l don't think we're making progress here.
Let's, erm... move on, shall we?
Well, now, that was an interesting day.
Sorry if our line was firm but there's no point in tiptoeing around today,
then just disappointing you for four years.
l have plans and l plan to see them through.
Absolutely. There is one final thing to look at.
lt's very close to my heart. Just give me a second.
l'll give you anything you ask for.
As long as it's not something l don't wanna give.
Hi.
Pathetic.
lt's great Scotch.
l'll, erm... l'll be going, then.
Er, Natalie,
l hope to see much more of you as our countries work toward a better future.
Thank you, sir.
Er, yes, Peter.
Mr President, has it been a good visit?
Very satisfactory indeed.
We got what we came for
and our special relationship is still very special.
Prime Minister?
l love that word ''relationship''. Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?
l fear that this has become a bad relationship.
A relationship based on the President taking what he wants
and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm...
Britain.
We may be a small country but we're a great one, too.
The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles,
- Sean Connery, Harry Potter. - (Laughter)
- David Beckham's right foot. - (Laughter)
David Beckham's left foot, come to that.
And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend.
And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward,
l will be prepared to be much stronger.
And the President should be prepared for that.
(Press clamouring)
Mr President!
Joe.
lt's your sister on line four.
All right. Er, yes, l'm very busy and important, how can l help you?
Have you gone completely insane?
- You can't always be sensible. - 'You can if you're Prime Minister.'
- lt's the Chancellor on the other line. - lt isn't!
- 'l'll call you back.' - No, you won't!
The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is it puts your life into perspective.
What did my brother do today? He fought for his country.
What did l do? l made a papier-mâché lobster head.
What is this we're listening to?
Joni Mitchell.
l can't believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell.
l love her and true love lasts a lifetime.
Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel.
Did she? Oh, well, that's good, l must write to her and say thanks.
Which doll for Daisy's friend Emily?
The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?
(Female DJ) 'lt's almost enough to make you feel patriotic,
'so here's one for our arse-kicking prime minister.
'A golden oldie for a golden oldie.'
(¤ Pointer Sisters: Jump) ¤ Hold me
¤ l'll give you all that you need
¤ Wrap your love around me
¤ You're so excited l can feel you getting hotter
¤ Oh baby
¤ l'll take you down, l'll take you down
¤ Where no one's ever gone before
¤ And if you want more
¤ lf you want more, more, more
¤ Jump for my love
¤ Jump in
¤ And feel my touch
¤ Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night then
¤ Jump for my love
¤ l'll take you down, l'll take you down
¤ Where no one's ever gone ¤
- (Music stops) - Yeah, erm,
Mary, can we move the Japanese ambassador to four o'clock tomorrow?
- Certainly, sir. - Terrific. Thanks so much.
Erm. Would you like the last, er...?
(Portuguese) Thank you very much but no.
lf you saw my sister, you'd understand why.
That's all right, more for me.
(Portuguese) Just don't go eating it all yourself,
you're getting chubbier every day.
l'm very lucky l've got a constitution where l never put on weight.
(Phone)
- Hello. - (Ringing continues)
Oop. Sorry.
(Ringing continues)
Hello?
- Thank you. - (Portuguese) Não!
- Eu peço imensa desculpa. - Oh, no. Hold on.
- God, it's half the book. Oh, no. - Que desastre.
Just leave them, please! They're not important.
They're not worth it!
Stop! Stop.
Aa-ahh.
lt's all just rubbish.
Just leave it.
Oh, God, she's in.
And now she'll think l'm a total spaz if l don't go in too.
(Portuguese) Fuck - it's cold!
Fuck - it's freezing! Fuck!
(Portuguese) This stuff better be good.
lt's not worth it, this isn't bloody Shakespeare.
(Portuguese) l don't want to drown
saving some shit my grandmother could have written.
Just stop. Stop.
(Portuguese) What kind of idiot doesn't make copies?
l really must do copies.
There'd better not be eels in here.
(Portuguese) Try not to disturb the eels.
Oh, what the hell is that?
Thank you. Thank you so much.
l know. l'll name one of the characters after you.
(Portuguese) Maybe you could name one of the characters after me.
Or give me 50% of the profits.
Or l could give you 5% of the profits.
(Portuguese) What kind of book is it?
- Romance? - Yes.
lt's, erm... (lmitates horror film sound effects)
Ah, er...
(Portuguese) Thriller...crime...
(Portuguese) Sim. (English) Crime. Crime, murder.
(Portuguese) Frightening? (Gasps)
Er, scary? Yes, sometimes scary.
And, er, sometimes not. Mainly scary how bad the writing is.
Mm.
(Portuguese) l'd better get back to work.
- Ah. - (Portuguese) Later you'll drive me home?
Sure.
lt's my favourite time of day...
driving you.
(Portuguese) lt's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
Sorry.
(TV) 'And coming up later this morning, it's this guy...'
¤ There's no beginning, there'll be no end
- ¤ Cos on Christmas... - '..the bad grandad of rock'n'roll,
'here at 10:30. Do not switch off.'
Banoffee pie?
No, thanks.
Thank God. You would've broken my heart if you'd said yes.
Right, well, lucky you.
- Can l come in? - Er, yeah, well, l'm a bit busy...
l was just passing and l thought we might check that video thing out.
l thought l might be able to swap it for some pie
or maybe Munchies?
Actually, l was serious - l don't know where it is. l'll have a look tonight.
Mark, can l say something?
Yeah.
l know you're Peter's best friend
and l know you've never particularly warmed to me.
Look, don't, don't argue.
We've never got friendly.
But l wanted to say, l hope that can change.
l'm nice. l really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and...
lt would be great if we could be friends.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Great.
Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though.
l had a real search when you first called and couldn't find it so...
This one says ''Peter and Juliet's Wedding''.
Do you think we might be on the right track?
Er, yeah, well... Wow. That-that could be it.
- Do you mind if l...? - l've probably taped over it.
Almost everything's episodes of West Wing.
Oh.
Oh, bingo.
That's lovely.
Well done, you.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
Thank you so much, Mark, this is exactly what l was hoping for.
l look quite pretty.
You've stayed rather close.
They're all of me.
(Mark) Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.
But...
you never talk to me.
You always talk to Peter.
You don't like me.
l hope it's useful.
Don't show it around too much.
Needs a bit of editing.
Look, l've got to get to a...lunch.
Early lunch.
You can just show yourself out, can't you?
lt's a...self-preservation thing, you see.
(¤ Dido: Here With Me)
¤ Oh l am what l am
¤ l'll do what l want
¤ But l can't hide
¤ And l won't go
¤ l won't sleep
¤ And l can't breathe
¤ Until you're resting here with me
¤ And l won't leave
¤ And l can't hide
¤ l cannot be
¤ Until you're resting here
¤ And l won't go
¤ And l won't sleep
¤ And l can't breathe
¤ Until you're resting here with me ¤
- (Knocking) - Yeah.
Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat.
Ah...
- Need you to do a favour for me. - Of course.
Anything for the hero of the hour.
Don't ask me why, and don't read stuff into this,
it's just a weird personality thing.
But, erm, you know Natalie who works here?
The chubby girl?
Ooh, would we call her chubby?
l think there's a pretty sizeable arse there, yes, sir. Huge thighs.
Yeah. Well, whatever, erm...
l'm sure she's a lovely girl but l wonder if you could, erm...
redistribute her?
lt's done.
Hey, Sammo. Can't sleep?
l got some terrible news today.
Let's have it.
- Joanna's going back to America. - Your girl's American?
Yes, she's American.
And she's not my girl.
And she's going back to America. That's the end of my life as l know it.
That is bad news.
Well, we need Kate
and we need Leo, and we need them now.
Come on.
'Hold on. Hold on.
'Keep your eyes closed.
- 'Do you trust me?' - 'l trust you.'
- Do you trust me? - l trust you.
- Fool! - Get off, you big bully.
'All right, open your eyes.'
You know, Sammy, l'm sure she's unique and extraordinary
but general wisdom is that in the end,
there isn't just one person for each of us.
There was for Kate and Leo.
There was for you.
And there is for me.
She's the one.
Fair enough. And her name's Joanna?
Yeah, l know. Same as Mum.
- (Knocking) - Yeah.
- Prime Minister. - Thank you very much.
(Pidgin Portuguese) Oh. Appolo... Erm, appologia.
Grande, er... grande familio, grande tradizione de Christmas presents.
Stupido.
Well, goodbye.
(Portuguese) Thank you.
Erm, it was, erm...
(Portuguese) l will miss you.
And your very slow typing...
and your very bad driving.
(Car horn)
¤ You know l love Christmas, l always will
¤ My mind's made up, the way that l feel
¤ There's no beginning, there'll be no end
¤ Cos on Christmas you can depend ¤
Daniel!
- l have a plan. - Thank the Lord. Tell me.
- Well, girls love musicians, don't they? - Uh-huh.
- Even the weird ones get girlfriends. - That's right.
Meat Loaf definitely got laid at least once.
For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.
Whatever. There's this big concert at the end of term and Joanna's in it.
l thought if l was in the band and played superbly,
she might fall in love with me. What do you think?
l think it's brilliant, l think it's stellar.
Apart from the one obvious tiny little baby little hiccup.
- l don't play a musical instrument? - Yes, sir.
A tiny, insignificant detail.
(Loud, repetitive snare hits)
(¤ Sugababes: Too Lost ln You) ¤ You look into my eyes
¤ l go out of my mind
¤ l can't see anything
¤ Cos this love's got me blind
¤ l can't help myself
¤ l can't break this spell
¤ l can't even try
¤ Baby, l'm too lost in you
¤ Caught in you
¤ Lost in everything about you
¤ So deep l can't sleep, l can't... ¤
l suppose l'd better do the duty round.
You're a saint.
(Laughs)
Any chance of a dance with the boss?
Yeah, sure, sure.
As long as your boyfriend doesn't mind.
Not my boyfriend.
¤ And you're all l see
¤ And you're all l need
¤ Help me, baby ¤ Help me, baby
¤ Oh baby, l'm too lost in you
¤ Caught in you... ¤
You're looking very pretty tonight.
lt's for you.
Sorry?
lt's all for you, sir.
¤ You do
¤ l'm too lost in you ¤ Baby, baby
¤ Baby, l'm too lost in you ¤ Yeah, yeah
¤ Caught in you
¤ Lost in everything about you
¤ So deep l can't sleep ¤
'This must be very exciting for you, fighting for the Christmas number one.
- 'How's it looking so far?' - 'Very bad indeed.
'Blue are outselling me five to one
'but l'm hoping for a late surge.
'And, if l reach number one,
'l promise to sing a song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.'
- 'Do you mean that?' - 'Of course l do, Michael.
'Do you want a preview? You old flirt.'
(Parkinson laughing)
'That'll never make number one.'
(¤ Justin Timberlake: Like l Love You)
¤ And l burn every track Clipse and J Timberlake... ¤
l suppose it's his job to dance with everyone, isn't it?
Some more than others.
Just one dance?
- Before we run out of chances. - Who, me?
- Unless you just... - No! No! Good.
Yes. Thanks.
¤ You're a good girl And that's what makes me trust you like l do
¤ Late at night l talk to you
¤ Hey
¤ You will know the difference when... ¤
(Music changes to slow tune)
(¤ Norah Jones: Turn Me On)
¤ Like a flower
¤ Waiting to bloom
¤ Like a light bulb
¤ ln a dark room
¤ l'm just sitting here
¤ Waiting for you
¤ To come on home
¤ And turn me on
¤ Like the desert
¤ Waiting for the rain
¤ Like a schoolkid
¤ Waiting for the spring
¤ l'm just sitting here
¤ Waiting for you to come on home
¤ And turn me on
¤ Turn me on ¤
Well, then. l'd better go.
OK.
- Good night. - Good night.
Actually...
- l don't have to go. - Right. Good.
- l mean... - No, that's good.
Just, erm, would you excuse me for one second?
- Sure. - Just one second.